Nigeria is indeed a peculiar country. There is never an end
to the intriguing and mostly bizarre occurrences that obtains here every single
day. Nigeria is the only country where we import ideas, cultures, opinion,
religion (or faith), and identities and we manage to customise and infact,
manage to build absolutely different concepts from these things. In Nigeria, we
have over two hundred and fifty ethnic groups and believe me, every ethnic
group has a significant reputation by which it is known or identified. The Ebiras
are known to be genetically troublemakers. Edo women are believed to only have
one unifying ambition in life, which is to cross over to Italy and make it big
there. Yoruba men are the biggest braggarts in the entire country. They bark
more than they can even attempt to bite, and not forgetting the Idomas, who are
reputed to be the best hosts of all. They offer their women to visitors who
spend the night in their homes. These submissions are not my opinion but that
of a large number of Nigerians.
I shall attempt to share some of the things we do and think that make us so
special here:
1.
- EVERYONE OUTSIDE OF YOUR TRIBE IS EVIL, MEAN OR JUST PLAIN STUPID.
The other day, I travelled home and had this heartfelt talk
with my aunt. She was visibly concerned about the fact that I wasn’t in a
relationship. When we got talking about the possible candidates in the line of
boyfriends and I mentioned an Emeka, she practically jumped through the roof. She
asked me if I had a death wish or whether I would love to be widowed young and
stripped of all of my late husband’s properties. I was amused and tried to
explain to her that that opinion was a total misconception, but she would have
none of it. She commanded me (typical of Yoruba people), never to bring home
any ‘omo ibo kankan’, i.e any Igbo man.
The average Hausa man in any average non hausa’s mind is a
naturally stupid and retarded person. That is why derogatory statements like ‘
malla’ are of common usage in Nigeria in reference to anyone (regardless of
whether you are hausa or not), who behaves stupidly. So, thank me later for
these tips I’m giving you.
2.
- THERE IS A NIGERIAN VERSION OF CHRISTIANITY.
On every Nigerian street, there are at least over a dozen
churches designing every building or sometimes as the case may be, shops or
shades. They also have the most hilarious names too, e.g. Guided Missiles
Church, Satan in Trouble Ministry,
Jehovah Sharp Sharp. Plus, they
all have ‘a.k.as’. In Nigeria, every church has special quarterly programmes
designed to tackle some of your serious traditional and conventional problems
like marital challenges, financial breakthroughs, bareness, cure to HIV/AIDS
and other deadly diseases and sometimes, even the resurrection of your dead
loved ones. One time, I saw a poster of a church programme tagged ‘my husband/
wife must locate me this year’. Another one stated thus ‘all the witches from
my village must die’ and even another one advertised as ‘the year of 104 babies’.
In an average Nigerian
church, your refusal to divide up your total income and give one-tenth of it to
the church or God, (that excludes the generous offering and seeds you are
expected to give God on every service day), automatically signs you up on God’s
register of cheaters and the consequences of that are too dire to even dare. You
will be putting your business and life’s progress in danger of stagnation, so
beware and ensure that your tithes are delivered on time to the man of God who
will see that God receives it.
All you need to start your church in this country is a sleek,
well-tailored suit, beautifully parted hair generously pomaded; an eye catching
pair of shoes and maybe a Rolex wristwatch that constantly find its way out of
the lapel of the suit. Oh, the most important ingredient; a smiling wife and a
large poster of you and her in the city centre.
3.
- OUR CHILDHOOD MEMORIES
We can all relate to this, I’m pretty sure. In Nigeria, you
proudly tell your story of childhood beatings, punishments, deprivations and
what not in the company of your friends who always have similar stories to
share. You are absolutely damned if you do not have similar stories to tell. The
fact that your parents did not believe in corporal punishment and did not mete
out any on you automatically turns you into an untrained, over pampered and
spoilt brat, and your parents immediately become the worst parents on the
surface of the earth. It will not matter that you turned out well behaved. That
will not save you. My advice to you then, to you unmarried people is to start
taking spanking classes now, if you intend to have children. Lessons in ‘igbati
oloyi, ifoku, ifonu, abara alata,’ etc will come in really handy.
4.
- OUR IDEAS OF KARMA AND NEMESIS.
Our movie industry in Nigeria deserve some kudos, not for
making the best movies in the world, but for successfully imprinting in our
recesses that the bad guys never ever end well. In a typical home video, no
matter how gory the story is, somehow, (most times illogically), there is
always a happy ending. Always. Infact, once you see certain faces, you can just
fix them into their roles in the movies and can tell just how bad they’ll be. Therefore,
we have a lot of stereotypical actors who are now so monotonous that it will be
a stupid risk to ever want to use them in a different role from what we have
come to know them as.
This arrangement comforts us and makes us happy but the
problem with this is that in reality, we seldom witness these events happening
the way they are portrayed in movies. Babangida will die a good and happy
death. This is guaranteed, given his present status in life. He is super rich
and influential and it doesn’t matter that he is a bad guy. Same goes for most
of the people who have managed to embezzle the public funds and abused public
offices. You can say that Abacha died a horrible death, but what other death is
better than dying in the hands of a beautiful and exotic Indian woman? Stop hoping
that if they happen to escape their punishments, their children will pay for
it. It is a twisted way of thinking because it means your children will also
suffer for all your unsettled mistakes too. Since our justice system will not
be effective enough to put these scums away in jail in no near future, why don’t
you just join the looting train and start ensuring the security of your
children too from now?
5.
- A PRAYING PRESIDENT
So our President went on pilgrim to Israel recently in the
company of the leader of the Christian Association of Nigeria and several
Governors and ministers. When he reached that tomb where Jesus was buried, he
immediately ordered a revival session right there and then. This infact is one
of the numerous occasions where our president has sought for divine inspiration
and protection. He is a regular attendee of the monthly Redeemed Christian
Church of God prayer camp. Well, I guess we will have to patiently wait on God for
all our problems to miraculously disappear since we have a president who has
got God’s ears. During the Ramadan fast, the President who is a Christian also
joined in the fast. I cannot wait to see what he will do during the Osun osogbo
festival. Since he is a President for every religion, he must accept to preside
over the ritual rites during traditional festivals too, else, that may not go
down well with Sango, Yemoja or Amadioha who will make sure they refuse to help
do their parts in restoring Nigeria to sanity.
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